I am becoming all the stories I can hold
I was ambitious, though I didn't know exactly what I was shooting for. Now I think it's one of the most useless questions any adult can ask a child- What do you want to be when you grow up? As if growing up is finite. As if at some point you become something and that's the end.-Michelle Obama, BecomingThere's no doubt Michelle Obama's book 'Becoming' has come to mean a lot and differently to other people and this will just be one of the thousands of voices that are talking about this book and how it somehow carries their stories too, nearly making it feel like home.In Shonda Rhime's heartfelt review of the book, she describes it as an honest picture of a life she understood so well. A bracingly revealing piece of art that almost feels as though the former First Lady of the United States of America were taking your hand and walking you through the story of her life, even the darkest parts (which is exactly what she does actually).As much as I wish this post could be a perfect review of the book, I am in no rush to critically discuss Becoming from cover to cover. What I want to do, however, is share lines I find compelling and most importantly, what and who I am becoming every single day.2018, for me, has held more questions than answers, more doubt than faith, more anxiety than stillness. I worried about completing my dissertation before the deadline. I worried about my body. I worried about finding a job after school. I'm still worried about my health and safety in a toxic work environment. I'm still worried about my writing career and if it's something I really want to pursue. I'm still worried about strained friendships and how much fighting is enough to keep something alive.It's been one fear after the other and it's only been these past few days I've had the time to pause, look back and let down a big sigh of relief.This is me. My life is my life and it's all I know. Amidst the rough seasons, if 2018 has taught me anything, it is patience, it is that survival isn't living, it is to take little breaks, to be present and in the now.I want to be able to carry all of this in the coming years and what's more, I want growth for the woman I am. I have been clutching on the theme of growth for as long as I remember. Probably because it's something I cannot escape and also because it is boundless, an endless possibility to thrive and learn and fall and rise.This is to the end of nights spent grappling with the question of what I want to become when I grow up. As if growing up is infinite. As if at some point, I become something and that's the end.I want so much from this life than checking the right boxes and getting a star for every achievement. I want more than to live a life chasing after seasons, all the while missing the joy and life of the here and now. For once, I want to give myself permission to be.
As soon as I allowed myself to feel anything for Barack, the feelings came rushing - a toppling blast of lust, gratitude, fulfillment, wonder.
May I be intentional about giving my emotions room to thrive. May I never have to withhold any good thing from myself as a result of holding back too tight. If only I'm able to allow; turn the knob and open the door, I may not be ready for what may come but I'll be ready to learn it's song and dance along.
I've been hurt. I've been furious. But mostly, I've tried to laugh this stuff off.
Tryphena, relax your shoulders. Slow your pace. Stop for a second to look. Unclench your fist, your jaw. Even when the storms rage and darkness covers the earth, hold on to hope. May you not become so stiffly poised that you lose your wonder. Remember to breathe. Remember to laugh.All I want is to live a day at a time, take things in with the graceful opening of my eyes and hands. I want to live with the joy of trusting the fullness of my existence, the abundance of joy and goodness surrounding me and the power of presence. I want, among other things, a spectacular habit of gratitude. And even as I let down these walls and stay open to this wild wild life and its boundless opportunities, may I remain strong, upright & forward moving, no matter what.What ever is coming next, this is a story I can hold. If I'm strong enough to live the heaviness of a narrative, my tongue is thick enough to speak it.