My golden buzzer...and you

I spent the weekend glued to my PC watching talent shows and clapping to myself in an empty office. Of course my favorite moment is always when the golden buzzer is hit and confetti starts to fall unto the stage.I noticed how, as the confetti falls and these auditionees stand in both what appears as shock and excitement, they begin to look around for their people. Sometimes there’s a single mother weeping at the side of the stage, sometimes there’s a whole family of seven watching their father perform. My favorite part of this is seeing the support group run towards the stage  to hug them, to participate in their victory. The look on their faces is always priceless. Almost as though they had just been given the golden buzzer, almost as though the applause was for them too.Maybe it truly is. Maybe the joy of their friend or father is their joy too. Maybe the triumph is theirs too. They didn’t win the trophy but their love for the winner is so much so that they hold it their hands, lift it towards the sky and kiss it with every ounce of pride. What’s more common is the phrase “misery loves company” and I think that we can say the same thing about true victory. Victory loves company. In March, I had my graduation and the best part of it still, till this day, is my girlfriend Sandra getting on a bus and coming all the way from school to celebrate with me. It was so surreal. Don’t get me wrong- I was excited for my graduation. It would have been a good day if I showed up alone in my robe and picked up my certificate. I’m just saying it was only better because not only did I jubilate over another academic milestone but I got to do that with the people I love and care about. There are days I take such pride in my career as a journalist. I love filming documentaries and meeting people I’d only ever see on TV but for the job. I’ve always been such a go getter that I’ve found myself, on several occasions, losing balance between work and life. I know half of my posts on here reveal my daily struggle with wanting to put myself first and channeling my effort into things I’m passionate about. I hate to admit it but my pursuit for success has kept me so far away from the kind of full life that I desire to live. I’ve missed birthdays of people who have my birthday etched in their hearts. I’ve missed poetry recitals because I was too afraid of what I’d look like to people who are familiar with my poetry but not my face. I stayed away from a wedding I was supposed to recite a poem as the bride walked down the aisle because I couldn’t find a dress and get a day off from work (or because I was mortified I was given such a huge role to play on someone’s big day)I know I want the golden confetti so bad. But I want my people around me most. Community is such an important thing we give little credit too. And I want to learn to be intentional about building one and sustaining it- which is the most difficult part. I have rarely any hard time finding a squad. If you love a good life, you’re a great cheerleader and know to throw your head back and laugh, you’re probably a good fit. Bonus points if you read all my poems and love spicy food. That’s the easy part. What I want to grow is my attention, my use of time, and turning love into an active verb. To be able to reach out for the phone and listen to the voice on the other end, to be able to show up and be present for all the seasons, or some of it. To send a loud message that says “I see you. And I’m right here”Everyday I realize the finish line looking like something else- Another dream, another project, another promotion, another graduation. And everyday I’m on the tracks, running- there’s no stopping. One milestone to another. It’s crazy and wild and endless and lonely too. I do not want to be stuck in this cycle. All these years I’ve told myself if I stop to say hello, stop to catch my breath, I’ll lose the race, miss the trophy, forget my path. But how wrong I’ve been and how lonely it will be to finish the race and the only one clapping will be me.My insistence on living a full life is not frivolous. It is honorable. It is all things lovely. It is a worthy cause. Imagine having only one life and only collecting trophies. What about love? What about laughter? I want to be the woman who carries what she loves inside. And may it be something that is alive and breathing, may it be worth waking up next to.If this journey is a race, I only get to compete with myself and if the finish line is the best version of myself I could ever be- my most truest and authentic self- then the story only gets better with my loved ones in it. I’m hoping with everything inside of me that I can get better at saying yes to the people I’ve chosen to do life with. Yes to their moments of joy and grief, of new beginnings and second chances, of change and hope. Because my calendar may be full, but I know what’s even more full- their hearts, their love, and their presence.