“I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer.” - C.S. Lewis

More often than not, I feel much like Lazarus’ sister, Mary, who wept and said “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” Of course, pretty quickly it becomes clear that Jesus, who waits days after Lazarus’ death to show up at the scene (although word had been sent to him earlier that his friend was sick), arrived later on purpose— so that they may believe (John 11:14) and see the glory of God (John 11:40). I will be the first to admit that my initial response to any kind of trial or season of waiting in my life is never one of more faith. If anything, my doubts rise to the surface, I am completely overwhelmed with anxiety, and I am left in a state of panic about all the things that are out of my control, all the things I wish to change but don’t have the courage to, my limited resources against my own needs and that of those I love. “Lord, if you had been here,” “Lord, if I had just a little more,” “Lord, if you could act now so that this can happen under these very realistic circumstances,” “Lord, Lord, Lord…”

When I read the passage in John, I kept thinking that these are clearly women of faith. First, they call out to Jesus when Lazarus’ health deteriorates, knowing that the Savior is more than capable of doing something about the situation. This is also me a lot of times—running to God when I am certain something can be done about it now, when I know things are not completely crushed to the ground and beyond repair. When I am convinced that the miracle is a realistic one and that the conditions are plausible, I have no hesitation to invite God into it. In my mind, as long as my desires and cares are reasonably attainable and manageable for me, as long as I can rightfully perceive the outcome and impact that I yearn for, then it can surely fall within God’s territory of things to manage. It is as if I make myself believe that limiting God is the way to not get my heart broken. With my very finite mind and feeble ability, I present to an infinite and supreme God what I think is possible and then I sit by the clock and wait. When nothing happens as I hoped, I throw my hands up in the air with frustration and disappointment. Lord, if only you had showed up.

There’s a dangerous transference that takes place and I hardly realize that I’m doing it until it’s too late. Without meaning to, I project my own earthly and human boundaries on the only God whose knowledge has no depth, whose power knows no bounds. I mistake my perception for a superior perception, my timing for the ultimate one. Anytime I take these attributes and apply them to God, I “whittle down his transcendence, paint over his sovereignty, chisel away at his omnipotence” until he’s a completely diminished version, at which point we are no longer talking about God. It is why it quickly starts to feel as though there’s no hope because I’ve committed the grave error of making my thoughts, my plans, my desires the ultimate thing. The prevailing rule. Beyond which, nothing and no one can overturn. 

In Jen Wilkin’s Ten Words to Live By, the writer points out that doublemindedness occurs not because we cease to worship God entirely, but that we cease to worship Him alone. For one, we replace God with an idol, and for the other, we add an idol to God. I didn’t realize the latter was what I was doing until her book put it in perspective. While I acknowledge God’s place in my life and pray for the faith to live all my days before Him, seeking and obeying Him, I am not always faithful to clinging to God and God alone. I very easily fall into the trap of clinging to my own timing, my own desires, my own vengeance,  my own self-reliance and knowledge, my own sense of identity and financial security, my own fickle way of things. And so, I find myself worshipping my comfort, in addition to God, my relationships in addition to God, and people’s perception and approval of me in addition to God. Each moment I encounter a crisis, I am faced with a moment to choose what will govern my days, what will shape my actions, what will serve as a motive for the decisions I make.

“We may think our dual allegiance is desirable, but Jesus assures us it is not even possible. (See Matthew 6:24 about serving two masters). We are created for single-minded allegiance. We are designed for it. We are made in the image of one God, to bear the image of one God. We cannot conform to both the image of God and the image of an idol. We are not designed to be polytheists, nor can we sustain the weight of a many”-God lie in our minds. When we cling to God and ____, we become “unstable in all our ways (James 1:80)”

I am still chipping away at this lesson, especially now as my people and I prayerfully walk through (with more tears and broken heartedness) a trial of a close friend’s cancer diagnosis, an impending Chemotherapy, and the heavy feelings of fear and panic breaking inside of me. I am sure I have only just scratched the surface of this subject, but I am encouraged by the reminder of who God is, and how vastly different he is from every created thing, including me. I am challenged to learn the truth that God is more interested in my sanctification than He is in my comfort, and that the final thing is confidence in God, not in my abilities, or my interpretation of a circumstance, or even –and this is hard to say – in an answered prayer. That my hope is not God and good health, God and stability, and God and blessings. The goal has been and will always be God himself, and the glory due Him. If delight, may we delight in Him; if trust, may we trust in Him. If there is any knowing, any praising, any surrendering, may we hasten to direct them to the One who is Sovereign and Lord over all. Whatever needs casting, whatever we deem dead and gone, however low the valley, no matter the terrible darkness and the weight of a burdened heart—there is no boundary line that isn’t under His lordship, no depth His love and mercy can’t reach. Behold, this is He! The eternal and transcendent God who never ceases to leave us in awe of Him. He will confound our expectations; He will reveal the pursuits of our hearts. He will crush and press for new wine, He will refine us in the fire, and He will fulfill His purpose, for His glory. He will be God. He is God forever. Praise to the Lord who reigns eternally!

“The final thing is confidence in Jesus. Believe steadfastly on him and all you come up against will develop your faith. There is continual testing in the life of faith, and the last great test is death. May God keep us in fighting trim! Faith is unutterable trust in God which never dreams that he will not stand by us.” - Oswald Chamber

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“God will allow trials that threaten your peace, provoke your addiction to control and aversion to difficulty so that you may learn how to find stability in Him alone. It’s as if we believe our lives must be easy for our inner reality to be steady but who told us that the quality of our circumstance should determine the stability of our hearts. God is teaching us something in this: “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. (Psalm 46:1)” — Jackie Hill Perry